Our Natural Gifts from Childhood
As a child, I was an avid reader. Along with swimming and daydreaming and jumping on the trampoline, it ranked as one of my top favorite hobbies. Some of my fondest childhood memories are from engaging with stories, from reading the Little House on the Prairie books when I was nine, to waiting for the latest Babysitter’s Club novel to arrive in the mail. I often fell asleep with a book across my chest, trying to make it through just one more chapter.
Even before I could read, I delighted in the way my father read me bedtime stories, always going out of his way to make the characters and voices come alive off the page. When I feel back to these times in my childhood, I get the sense of being warm, relaxed, and blissfully peaceful. Therefore it doesn’t surprise me that once I was old enough, I began writing my own poetry and stories.
Back when I was a pre-teen, my main motivation to write came from a desire to “fix” or change the character arcs and storylines of my favorite television shows. As an unsatisfied viewer with an instinctual desire to write, it just seemed like a no-brainer to take my favorite characters and put them into situations that I wanted to see them in! And thanks to the boom of late ‘90s websites like Fanfiction.net, I was able to share my creations with others. It was great! And provided me a sense of validation and belonging that I wasn’t getting from my real life situation in middle school.
For many years after that, I continued to write… and write, and write…. well into my late 30s. This includes fanfiction! (Alright, you got me, it was mostly fanfiction.)
As I began to awaken spiritually, I kept on writing my stories. During this time, I’d watch amazing intuitive healers speak on various programs. I’d have thoughts about how I’d love to fulfill a larger purpose in life and awaken to healing abilities as they have, but then I’d always shake my head and think, “Oh, but I probably couldn’t do that. Maybe that isn’t… me.”
At some point, remembrances of the healing arts and a strong interest in the healing power of plants began coming back to me. In hindsight, I can see how they were always with me, even in childhood and adolescence. I threw myself into reading all of Dolores Cannon’s books, among others, and immersed myself in spiritual programs such as Kryon, sacred circles, in-person events, and classes. I soon began receiving inspirations to create my own offerings, my own healing practice, and so on. At first, I was overwhelmed with all of these ideas (and there was fear to deal with, of course), but it became more and more tangible as time went on.
The Wholeness of Self & The Illusion of Fracture
The thing is: I still liked writing my fanfiction. I still liked watching Star Trek and Gilmore Girls and other shows from my younger days. I still liked listening to my non-spiritual-oriented podcasts (mostly Star Trek re-watches.) At some point during all of this, I started getting confused and anxious over what it is I “should” enjoy or “should” be doing. (I understand now that there are no “shoulds” — darn you, pesky shoulds! 😝) I wanted to fulfill a bigger purpose in life, but I also enjoyed things like TV shows and fanfiction.
I began to unconsciously separate the joys and experiences I’ve had in this life, as Kelly, and all of the Akashic remembrances that were bubbling to the surface. I began to separate things as being “spiritual” or “not spiritual” even though I knew — I knew — that everyone and everything on the planet is spiritual. Yet some old, buried, outdated belief of mine kept trying to convince me otherwise. For some time, I no longer understood what it meant to “be myself.”
Who am I? I’d ask, genuinely not knowing the answer. Am I the person who loves writing fanfiction and watching ’90s Nickelodeon shows, or am I the ancient plant medicine woman, the healer, the shaman? Am I both? Should I be both? Can I be both? What will others think of that? Would they trust an energy healer who also watches Kenan and Kel in their spare time? Does there have to be a separation?
At some point amid my journey, it became apparent that I was starting to ignore or suppress the parts of myself that grew up in the 1990s: the one who used fanfiction, fandom, and message boards as a way to gain a supportive social circle outside of school. Although I did have a few ‘real life’ friends, it was tough for me to open up and be vulnerable with them. I also experienced severe bullying in both middle school and high school.
And so while it has been incredibly nourishing and empowering for me to take part in ancient healing traditions and sacred ceremonies—beautiful healing processes that had been suppressed for ages—I didn’t realize how much I was compartmentalizing the various aspects of myself. I was putting my “spirituality” into one box over here, while separating all of my so-called “other” interests (such as writing fiction and geeking out over Star Trek and Broadway shows) into another box, way over there on the other side of the room. While, in truth, they all belong in the same box, in the center of the room, as they are all parts of… well, ME!
Even in the outward world, I was suppressing certain aspects of myself around one group of people, while suppressing other aspects of myself around other groups of people. Where was the unification? Where was the genuine authenticity? Continuing to exist this way was exhausting, not integrative, and, frankly, not a great way to love myself.
Opening the Portal to the Inner Child
Back in May 2024, in the midst of this identity confusion, my transformative process was moving too rapidly for my comfort and I knew I needed some time to just slow down and get to know myself again. I decided to spend an entire month working with just the Purple Poppy flower essence, which is for accessing deep levels of integration and rest. It also helps us regain balance, especially when the transformative process feels like it’s moving too fast and you just need some time to integrate all that has been coming up and shifting.
In an effort to reprioritize self-care during this time, I booked a massage in Park Slope and, afterwards, wandered into a nearby comic book shop. This isn’t something I would normally do, as I’d always been a “regular book” reader and had never been interested in comics or graphic novels. Once inside the shop, however, I became immediately taken with the graphic novels section and instinctively pulled two of them off the shelf.
One of them was The Girl From the Sea by Molly Knox Ostertag: a beautifully illustrated novel about a girl who falls in love with another girl, who also happens to be a selkie (a mythical hybrid of seal and human). I am an ocean girl at heart and was attracted to the gorgeous artwork, so colorful and full of divine feminine energy. The girls had curves and were vibrantly alive. And the main theme of the book? A teenage girl who keeps separating herself into ‘little boxes’, thinking that she can’t truly be herself with anyone. Very on point for the healing I needed to do!
My heart felt soft as I took in the cover and synopsis. Part of me was trying to resist this feeling, but I knew that in order to heal this segmentation issue I was having, I needed to lean into my softer vulnerable side and just let myself… feel things. I knew I needed to sink deeply into a story like this, about a teenager having teenager problems and self-identity issues. The fact that the book was LGBT only felt more perfect for what I was needing at that moment.
The other book I chose was called Brave, by Svetlana Chmakova, about a chubby boy with a penchant for daydreaming who gets picked on in school. The resemblance was uncanny to my own life, as not only was I bullied, but I have also had struggles with maladaptive (excessive) daydreaming, especially as a teenager. Therefore, I immediately resonated with the storyline of the novel. Again, I felt very soft and vulnerable as I gazed down at the cover, which had the word Brave written above this picture of an awkward chubby boy clutching his school books. Feeling the unshed tears pooling behind my eyes, I knew I had to get it.
While I knew I was there to heal something, I didn’t realize that walking into that shop that day would revitalize my love of story and reading to the extent that it did, or that these books would go on to impact me in such a profound way.
As I sank into reading The Girl from the Sea, I felt deeply into the art and the emotions and the humor of the story. The concept of separating the parts of oneself into boxes was woven throughout the entire novel in spades, helping to bring up emotions from deep within me that were begging to be healed.
Realizations bubbled to the surface as I wept and laughed and smiled throughout. I already knew I had issues with expressing my creativity and that I tended to hide parts of myself from people, but to actually feel those issues through the lens of a fictional character is on another level entirely. This is the power of story, and of fiction, and is a part of me I had been missing or suppressing, rather than allowing it to fly free.
I’ve come to realize there are no rules to any of this. The goal of the soul is freedom — anchored, compassionate and heart-based freedom — and balance. We can’t suppress these parts of ourselves that might not fit neatly into some fake, made-up box and still expect to feel whole. It’s like trying to label a huge, expansive, multi-faceted being as only a tiny portion of itself.
Separating ourselves into boxes only breaks us apart. It fractures us, making every part of ourselves smaller, not larger. In that state, we are like a smattering of broken pieces, longing to be put back together again. It is the opposite of wholeness and balance, the state in which our body and soul long to exist in.
Facing and Healing Childhood Wounds
The graphic novel Brave really struck a chord with me, too, as both myself and the main character, Jensen, have a lot in common. It took me on a journey of revisiting my old childhood and adolescent wounds, as well as the joys. Every time Jensen got pushed, made fun of, picked last in gym class, or snubbed, it was like I was remembering my own trauma from the times I got pushed, made fun of, picked last, and snubbed. I had expected it to feel more uncomfortable than it did, reading something so close to my own struggles, but it turned out to be a very nurturing and healing experience. The book also brought up many fond memories of being a young person, as well, with many subtle jokes about being a middle schooler that I hadn’t thought about in ages.
As our planet is on a collective journey toward non-judgment and unconditional love, I was very glad to see that, by the end, none of the characters in the book (even the bullies) were painted in a black and white, one-dimensional manner. By the end, there were no “good guys” or “bad guys.” Instead, all of the characters were crafted in a multidimensional way, each with their own struggles and capacity for transformation.
We are all human, we are all unique, and we are all on this journey together. We all have our joys and our challenges and pitfalls, and we all make mistakes. And so while there is justice at the end for Jensen, there is also redemption and justice for all of the characters, regardless of where they are on their journey. And by the end of the novel, Jensen is able to see that, deep down, they are all quite the same: equally magnificent children just trying to make it through middle school as best they can.
Discovering and reading these graphic novels, and revitalizing my love for story and reading, has been a very therapeutic experience. The ending of Brave resonated with my own experiences so profoundly (and made me cry the first time I read it) that I wanted to provide a short snippet for you below:
“It’s easy to grow bitter, to retreat into yourself, after being rejected. It’s scary to keep reaching out, to keep extending your hand, after so many would not take it… and sometimes even push it away… but that’s what courage is—not never being afraid, but being afraid and doing it anyway… to keep reaching out to the world that would not have you and saying, ‘let’s be friends.’ Because we are all stronger when we look out for one another. We just have to have the courage to do so.”
This book had such a profound impact on me that I went out and immediately purchased the author’s three other books (Crush, Awkward, and Enemies). I highly recommend all of the author’s works to anyone wanting to heal the awkward teenager inside, while simultaneously connecting with the joyful inner child.
Shortly after reading these books, I decided to make a list of everything I had enjoyed as a child. One of the biggest indicators of your soul purpose in this lifetime can be shown in what you loved doing as a kid before all of the self-doubt and restrictiveness set in—back when we did things simply because it was fun. The one that stood out to me the most, of course, was reading. I then made a list of everything I enjoy doing now, as an adult. To my happy surprise, the second list was almost double the size of the first!
Much to my delight, I found that I still love doing everything I did as a child, only now I am able to add even more to the list! This “more” includes sacred crafts such as candle-making and herbal remedies and flower essences and making crystal jewelry and so on. The list was huge! Though I did notice one thing that made me a little sad: I could see that I was suppressing or not doing some of the things I loved doing as a child. These books helped me to realize that I can change that and that everything I loved as a child has such a beautiful place in all of this.
We Always Get What We Need – Even If It’s Not What We Expect
We all deserve to live our best, most creative and authentic lives; reading these books has been one step on the journey to fulfilling that for myself. You may be guided toward a totally different method of reconnecting in this way, as I was guided to walk into the comic book shop that day and pick up a few graphic novels I wouldn’t have normally considered.
One of the most important things I have learned on this journey is that Spirit will answer our questions if we ask with pure intent. When I was struggling during this time with the issues of balance and identity, I received this message in response to my issue: “What you really want is Blue Poppy and Red-Purple Poppy.”
I was given my answer in this manner because I am currently studying and utilizing flower essences for healing. Spirit will provide the answers to your questions in a language you can understand, often with fun and humorous metaphors that are close to your own life.
In my case, I received my answer in the form of flower essences. Blue Poppy is for balancing states of being and doing, sexuality with spirituality. It also helps all of the parts of yourself communicate more harmoniously with one another and even initiate “new conversations” between your parts. Red-Purple Poppy is for balancing etheric and physical frequencies of energy (basically, the exhaustive flip-flop I was experiencing between “spiritual” and “non-spiritual”.)
And while I haven’t actually used those exact essences just yet, I understood the message from Spirit. I understood what I have been doing to myself, how my rigid attitudes and fears of blending and balancing these aspects of myself was causing me great pain and strife. And thus I became more aware of how this pattern was hurting me, and what I could do to change that.
I know that my spirit team and higher self (with help from Purple Poppy!) guided me into the shop that day and drew my eyes to those books, so that I could receive the healing I needed from them. Similar to when I received the message about balance and wholeness in the form of flower essences, Spirit spoke to me in a language I could recognize and understand. Many times, even while in the midst of seeming confusion, the soul inside, the higher self, already knows what to do. We just have to have the courage to allow ourselves to feel into our intuition, and to follow it, no matter how vulnerable it can sometimes feel.
We all receive the guidance that we need—but just as we do not exist in tight little boxes, neither does Spirit. Staying open to new possibilities and unexpected avenues for healing can yield amazing results!